The Past Will Catch You Up As You Run Faster
by fromawhispertoascream
Summary: Cameron did cheat on her dying husband with his best friend. That's past, but when something triggers her in the present everything gets to the surface again. Warnings: Graphic description of selfharm.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I don't own House, M.D., or any of the characters. I do however own this story. Title is a line from Placebo's song "I know".

**Warnings**: Graphic description of self-harm.

**Summary: **Cameron did cheat on her dying husband with his best friend. That's past, but when something triggers her in the present everything gets to the surface again.

**THE PAST WILL CATCH YOU UP AS YOU RUN FASTER**

Chapter 1

_Cameron: "I fell in love with my husband's best friend. Near the end I was at the hospital every day, and Joe would come by after work. We'd go for walks and try to talk each other through it. We kind of clung on to each other. "_

_Wilson: "My wife wasn't dying, she wasn't even sick. Everything was fine. I met someone who... made me feel... funny. Good. And I didn't want to let that feeling go. What happened to you, how can anyone go through that alone? You can't control your emotions."_

_Cameron: "No. Just your actions."_

_Wilson: "You didn't do it, did you? You didn't sleep with him."_

_Cameron: "I couldn't have lived with myself."_

_Wilson: "You'd be surprised what you can live with."_

Everything was quiet. The rain had stopped 15 minutes ago, the same time that Allison Cameron had now spent sitting on the bathroom floor. _This isn't worth it, this isn't worth it _she told herself over and over. That conversation with Wilson had triggered something. _It's been a long time._

_Doesn't matter _said another voice in her head _it was wrong then and it is wrong now. How can a good person do that kind of thing? I get morally outraged at House so often and here I am, the biggest liar, the biggest hypocrite, who cheated on a dying man and lied about it. I'm so stupid and worthless._

Cameron shook her head, as if to get these thoughts out of herself. _Remember therapy _the other voice said _remember everything you've accomplished. - Remember what you did. You judge anyone that comes your way, and what are you yourself? Pathetic piece of shit._

Tears ran down her face. It had been so long. No. Yes. No. Yes. I want to, I want to make it stop, I want to feel better. The guilt came like a wave swashing over her, devouring her.

She took the razor blade and placed it on her left forearm. She saw the old scars, reminding her of the hours she had spent in pain, self-hatred and misery. And that was enough to put Cameron over the edge. She cut into the skin and felt instant release. As the blood ran over her arm, there was nothing but sweetness. And peace and quiet.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"New case" House said harshly, as usual, and threw the chart onto the table. Cameron flinched for a second. House looked at her, with a mixture of surprise, interest and amusement and was obviously thinking about the most sarcastic way to comment this, but Foreman spoke first.

"28 year old male, newly wed. Got gastroenteritis on the honeymoon and despite treatment remains weak and presents with reduced sensation in both legs."

"Newly wed?" Cameron asked.

"That's what it says", House replied. "Of course that's just a fancy way of saying doomed forever with no escape." He expected her to roll her eyes, but instead she quickly looked down. What's going on with her today, he asked himself.

"MRI to rule out MS" Chase suggest, "full blood work for infection." "Right" House said, once again distracted from thinking about Cameron. "Do it."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

His name was Harry Roman. Chase, Foreman and Cameron entered his room together. _Of course, _his wife had to sit next to him, looking worried, holding his hand. Cameron started to feel slightly nauseous.  
The wife – Joanna Roman, a quick look in the chart told – looked confused at the three doctors. "Is anyone of you Dr. House?"  
"If we got money each time someone asked this, we'd be rich!" Chase answered. The others looked at him awkwardly. What was that? Trying to be funny?  
"In fact," Foreman jumped in quickly "Dr. House can't be here right now. We're his staff. I'm Dr. Foreman, this are Dr. Cameron and Dr. _Chase." _He put emphasis on _Chase_ and looked at him, as if to stop him from making another stupid comment.  
"We'll take good care of you" Chase replied hastily.

Foreman took charge of the conversation. Cameron was staring off into space. Great, he thought, the lunacy around here seems to be contagious after all.  
"Mr. Roman, we don't think the symptoms you're experiencing are still suffering from the gastroenteritis. We'd like to run a few tests. Dr. Chase is going to draw some blood and we will do a full blood work. This is to see if you maybe have an infection. I'll take you to get an MRI.""Why MRI?" Joanna Roman asked. "I mean ... it's nothing serious, right?" She was looking at Foreman, not wanting the truth, but a comforting answer.  
_They shouldn't have to deal with this,_ Cameron thought._ Newly wed. It's supposed to be happy days just lying in each others arms, crazy sex-marathons and dreams of a future. Not hospital beds and tests._  
"Well, we don't know anything right now", Foreman explained, "but the fact your husband has reduced sensation in his legs needs to be looked at. We'll just do an MRI to rule out some stuff."  
"Like what?" Joanna asked.  
"MS" Cameron said, and left the room. She just couldn't stay.

"You wanna tell me what the hell that was?" Foreman snapped at Cameron. "What?" Cameron murmured. They were back in House's office. Chase was getting the blood samples. "That whole stunt you pulled in there."-"I'm sorry."  
Foreman just shook his head. Before they could take this any further, Dr. Lisa Cuddy entered the room, looking angry. "Where's House?" she asked. Foreman and Cameron both shook their head. "Don't know."  
"He was supposed to be on clinic duty 45 minutes ago. But _of course_ that is too much to ask. I'm tired of running after him, one of you is coming with me to cover for House."  
"I'll do it" Cameron said quickly, happy to escape the case. She felt Foreman staring at her back when she left the room with Cuddy.

For the first time, Cameron was really happy doing clinic duty for House. She'd have done anything to get herself aways from the Romans. And from her colleagues. As she reached the clinic, she saw the head nurse nodding in her direction; she seemed to be almost expecting her.  
"House not coming?" the nurse asked. "No." - "Great for you. We have three cases of suspected diarrhea, a pregnant women. Oh and someone threw up in exam 1." "Great. I'll take the pregnant woman first", Cameron sighed, grabbed the according chart and entered exam 2.

"Are you the doctor?" a quiet voice asked when Cameron entered the room. _Woman_ was an overstatement. The patient was 22, as Cameron reassured herself twice on the chart , but might as well have been a teenage girl. Quite small, short, brown hair, sitting on the examination table playing with her hands and looking really insecure.  
Cameron forced a smile. She just had to distract herself from the Romans' case. "Yes, I'm Dr. Allison Cameron. I'm sorry, it doesn't say in the chart – how far along are you, Ms. Miller?"  
"Please, just call me Gretchen." She blushed a little. "28 weeks. I was feeling fine until now, well you know, except back pain an nausea and stuff at the beginning. But now I'm having these headaches all the time. And I've lost hair." She sounded scared now.  
Cameron examined her head. The hair was sparse in some places.  
"Have you talked to your OBGYN?"  
Gretchen seemed uncomfortable. "To be honest ... I don't have one. My insurance ran out a couple of months ago, and since everything was fine until now..."  
"I understand", Cameron said softly. _Damn the US health system._  
"Well, you can always go to free clinics for checkups, and you should."  
Cameron took a step back and looked at the chart. "You know, hair loss can be scary, but can actually happen later in the pregnancy. I'm going to do a few test to see if everything's ok."  
"Ok." Gretchen answered, really thankful.  
_Playing the god Samaritan again, hah?_ _- Shut up, _Cameron told the nasty voice in her head.

The physical exam showed nothing, Cameron drew some blood and had it sent to the lab. The last exam was ultrasound."Do you wanna know if it's a boy or girl if I can see it?" Cameron asked the patient.  
"I don't know... would you wanna know?"  
"Honestly, I don't know either." They both laughed, the two women shared a tiny moment of pleasure. Gretchen leaned back and let the doctor do her work.  
"You're baby is doing fine Gretchen. And the question has to remain unanswered ... right now he or she is lying in a way I can't see it."  
"But it's ok?"  
"I see nothing pathological. We'll wait for the lab results, and maybe call the gynecologist for a consult. But I don't think it's serious."  
The young women seemed really relieved. "Thank you, very much." She smiled at Cameron.  
_Don't ask. Don't._  
"Can I asked you something?"  
"Sure."  
"What about the father? You're going to need support."  
Gretchen looked away. But the young doctor seemed really nice. She could tell her.  
"He's not ... around anymore. We were together for one year, but when I found out I was pregnant, he started drawing away from me. And he cheated ... even after I'd known I was pregnant. And then he left."  
Cameron froze inside. She used her last strength to say something like "sorry", helped Gretchen outside and then closed the door of the exam room from the inside.

_I can't, it can't, this is like a conspiracy_ Alison Cameron thought, breathing heavily. _Cheating happens all the time, this has NOTHING to do with you. You're seeing all these things because you're projecting-_  
But reason wasn't strong enough inside her now.  
Without even thinking, she opened a drawer and took a scalpel and slashed it over her arm. She hadn't thought. The cut was deep, and she was bleeding heavily.

"You needed a consult?" James Wilson asked when he entered the room. "Oh my God, what happened?" He looked at her arm."I'm gonna need some stitches." Cameron said.  
"I can see that. What the hell happened?" Wilson was totally confused.  
"Just do it ok?"  
Wilson looked at her in disbelief, then took a chair and sat down in front of her. He carefully removed the compress she had put her arm. Cameron looked away from him, hardly holding back tears. She couldn't bear to face him the moment he was gonna realize what this is.  
James started cleaning up the arm and then saw it. It was a long, clear, straight cut, like from something very sharp. And all around, covered by the blood before, were scars. Scars that once must have been similar cuts, big ones, small ones, some apparently deep, some just superficial.  
"Cameron..."  
"Just fix it." Her voice was trembling, and she hated it, and she hated that he noticed and gave her that look. That warm, concerned goddamn Wilson look. _I don't deserve your pity!_  
Wilson couldn't imagine what Alison was going through right now. And she had chosen him, she had called him. She trusted him. He had to help her. He could not disappoint her now.  
"Alison" he said in a mellow voice, "why did you do this to yourself."  
_He NEVER calls me by my first name! _"It doesn't matter ok? Just stitch me up."  
"Of course it matters. You're cutting yourself. When you called me here, did you expect I'd just let this go?"  
"I don't want to talk about it ok?"  
Wilson sighed. He wasn't gonna get anything out of her through pressure. He placed an gentle hand on her shoulder – to which she flinched, once again – trying to comfort her somehow.  
"Ok, I am going to fix this. And then I want you to go and take the rest of the day off. Call a friend to stay with you."  
Cameron shook her head: "I have to get back to work."  
"It's not gonna happen. I'm very worried about you. You need to take a rest, and we will have to talk about this."  
"What if I don't want to talk."  
"Then I'll tell House".

The horror on her face was nothing compared to the hole she fell into on the inside.

**Author's note: I'm not a native speaker. Some phrases I don't know in English, I just look them up in a dictionary. But I do know that even if a phrase is correct, it can feel "funny" or inadequate used in certain context. As I'm always trying to learn, I'd appreciate my readers telling me bigger mistakes I make in that area. Thank you. Hope you liked the new chapter.**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

She actually had gone home. Wilson wouldn't let it go. He even made her call a friend in his presence. But all Cameron had done was talk to her mailbox "Can you come over ... ok see you later."

Wilson had still looked at her suspiciously, but let her go in the end.

Would he really do it? Tell House? Cameron felt pure horror. What would House say, what would he do, how would he look at her. And if he found out the reason behind this. _I can't ... I'd kill myself if he ever knew!_

Her arm didn't hurt much. Wilson had done a good job. Lost in thought, Cameron touched the bandage. She had cuddled up on her couch, a blanket over herself and a cup of hot tea in front of her. She hadn't touched it yet, though.

_These are the remains _Cameron thought sarcastically. _Do something good for yourself, they told in therapy. Make yourself a nice of of tea. Like fucking tea could fix anything._

She had told Foreman she was going home because of a massive headache. Strangely, he had just nodded to this and not asked any further questions. Maybe he knew something wasn't right.

_Oh God._ Another thought came. _Foreman, he just wouldn't understand. He'd think I'm weak. And Chase ... making puppy dog eyes ..._ she held back tears once more even thinking about it.

The thought of going to work tomorrow seemed almost absurd. How could she? _Well, as long as Wilson doesn't see me, he can't talk to me, right. Hah._

Allison was surprised at herself. She was somewhat calmer now. Maybe it was because she had cut two times today. Maybe because she'd gotten away from all those horrible patients that reminded her of herself.

_Horrible Patients? Self-centered... _

_- Shut up._

To her astonishment, the voice obeyed.

Maybe this was just a one-time thing. A little crisis, and everything would be normal after that again.

_Memories._

_She woke up first. Then she saw him. The realization of what she had done was like a hit in the face. She ran to the bathroom and was sick._

_When Cameron came back, Joe was still lying there, sleeping peacefully. When he woke up he wouldn't be so peaceful anymore. _

_She just couldn't take it, his look, when he'd wake up. She jumped into her clothes and flew out the door._

_At home she went under the shower. Dirty, so dirty. She must have showered for two hours. She used a whole bottle of liquid soap, and her skin was red all over from rubbing it._

_And still she couldn't get that feeling out._

_The next day she went to the hospital again of course. He was so grateful to see her. He looked awful, but brought up the strength to sit up and give her a kiss._

_She kept up as well as she could. For him, not for herself. If she had allowed the thoughts and feelings take her over at that time, she probably wouldn't be here anymore._

A knock broke Cameron's line of thought. Silence. Had she imagined it? Again. A knock at the front door. How could it be? _Wilson, it's gotta be Wilson. Oh God, maybe he did tell House, if it's House..._

Allison tried not to make a sound. Damn, the lights were on. Whoever was there probably had seen it from the street.

Another knock. "I know you're there, open up."

_Wilson._

For a moment Cameron was just relieved it wasn't House.

Slowly, she got up and opened the front door. There he was.

"Let me in", Wilson said softly.

Cameron opened the door wider, said nothing and returned to the couch. Wilson came in, closed the door and out a package on the table. He took off his coat and sat down next to her.

"You never called a friend." It wasn't a question.

Cameron shook her head.

"I didn't tell House."

"I was really afraid you would."

"I'm just trying to help you."

"You can't."

She just knew he was looking at her _like that _again.

"You know it's really ok. I got stressed over something, it was a one-time thing, not gonna happen again. Really. You don't have to worry. I'll be" - and she burst into tears.

James put her arms around her. Allison cried heavily, and she was shaking.

"Shh, it's ok. It's ok. I'm here."

There was no turning back now. As she had been making up those lies, every word coming from her lips like glue, something broke inside her. And she actually cried, in front of another human being.

Cameron couldn't remember the last time that had happened.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"It's about my husband."

Wilson looked at her, waiting patiently for he could sense every word was hard for Cameron.

She grabbed the sheet Wilson had tucked her into, again, and clung to it tightly.

"He ... we ... I told you how it was towards the end. I mean, when my husband was dying. He was getting worse every day, and I was there everyday of course to comfort him. But I myself didn't know where to get comfort.

The nasty little voice inside her started whispering again.

_Making up excuses you pathetic-_

"Go away!"

Wilson looked at her confused. Alison realized she'd spoken those words out loud.

"Sorry ... not you."

She tried to ignore the concern in his gaze and continued, a lump in her throat.

"I told you about Joe. My husbands best friend, our groomsman. How we tried to talk each other through it."

Wilson now could guess where this was going. He concentrated to manage a neutral expression on his face.

"It happened, Wilson. We slept together. I was a very bad day. I was at the hospital, and he was in so much pain. I was so helpless. Joe understood. I called him, crying, and he told me to come to his place. I just cried and cried for an hour, and he held me tight."

Alison swallowed, hard.

"I thanked him for being there for me, and he looked at me ... that look, he just _knew_ what I was saying. And then we kissed. And the we slept together. It wasn't lust. It wasn't about the sex. It was just perfect comfort. And closeness."

During the last sentences tear had started running down Cameron's face again.

"Did you stay together?" Wilson asked.

"Hell no. The next day I ran from his place. I totally avoided seeing him. He'd often call me or come by my apartment, but I just wouldn't answer door or phone. I made sure to only visit the hospital when he was at work. But all that time I spent there, I focused all my energy in comforting ... and he was so thankful ... oh God"-

She sobbed. She no longer held the blanket, but clenched her fingernails into her own arm. The familiar, soothing feeling of pain began to fill her.

Wilson carefully tried to remove her fingers.

"Alison, let go. C'mon. Let go. It's ok."

He took her hands and pressed the, tightly.

It was like a movie now, ploying before her eyes.

"I kept it up as long as he was alive. The cutting started after. He died in my arms, and in his last hour he was still able to say 'I love you'".

Faster than Wilson could react, Cameron freed herself from his grip. She ran to the bathroom and threw up.

James came after her and knelt down on the floor next to her.

"Alison. Look at me. Alison."

"I'm SCUM!"

"No you're not. You are a good person. The best I know probably. And in one moment of doubt and pain you made a mistake. A mistake you'd forgive anyone but yourself. You didn't hurt him. He spent his last days happy, with you. He could go knowing he was being loved. And you've punished yourself enough."

"It's never going to be enough" Cameron whispered. "I'll never be able to get that dirt off my soul. I'm a monster. I acted how only a monster could act."

James put his hands on her head and forced her to look at him.

"You didn't act like a monster. You acted like a human being. A human being in pain and need of someone else. And it's over, and you will get through this, and you are going to get better. It's going to be ok. But you have to let other people help you."

_I've just never been good enough. Not ever._


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

"IT'S MS. Just how_ boring _is that?" House tossed Mr Roman's chart on the table. "Where's the twists and turns? The us making him worse before we save him from dying? Where's the _fun?"_

Foreman rolled his eyes at House's rant. Chase played around with his pen, looking uncomfortable.

"We've told Mr and Mrs Roman" he said, avoiding looking at House "and explained some treatment options. He will be referred to neurology in an hour."

House looked at him intensely. Then at Foreman. They both avoided his gaze.

"Where's Cameron?" House's voice now had lost its sarcastic tone and was almost soft.

Chase cleared his throat. "She went home sick. Later ... Wilson called to say she wouldn't be coming the next days. She's not feeling well."

"Either she's really sick, then she can come in and we treat her. Or if it's just a flu she'd better stop whining. And what's Wilson doing calling for her?" House took his cane and approached the phone. As he held it in his hand and wanted to start dialing, Foreman took the phone and put it down again.

"Ok, you have ten second to explain before this" - House held up his cane - "goes where the sun don't shine."

Foreman looked him in the eyes. "Cameron's not feeling well ... emotionally. Wilson sounded very serious. She might even ask for a medical leave."

House gazed at him in disbelief. As he opened his mouth to say something, Foreman interrupted him: "Don't. Wilson said not to come. Just don't. Leave her."

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This time, Wilson had made sure a friend of Cameron's – Nadja – would come over. He didn't like leaving her, but Nadja seemed able to keep an good eye on her and there were patients he needed to check on.

Earlier he'd called the hospital. Cameron had given her ok to tell the others she wasn't feeling well without giving specifics.

The images still spun through his head as he sat down on his desk in his office. He'd seen many patients suffer, and die, but to see a friend in that much pain ... self-inflicted pain... The picture of Cameron grabbing the toilet seat like a life belt wouldn't leave his mind. And all those scars...

BAMM

House was a master at making unexpected entries into Wilson's office, but this one was violent. He had smashed open the door with his his cane and now stood in front of the desk.

"What.the.hell.is.going.on."

"House, I have lots of work to catch up on."

"You don't honestly believe you're gonna get anywhere without telling me what's wrong with her."

Wilson sighed. "Look she has ... problems ... problems she doesn't want anyone to know about."

- "Anyone but you. What's going on? No nurses to screw so you gotta take my team. Beware! I heard Chase is into really kinky stuff."

"We're NOT sleeping together", Wilson replied angrily.

"Then why would she come to you?

"Well maybe, because I listen. Maybe because she trusts me, maybe because I don't give a sarcastic comment every time someone asks for help."

"She used to trust me."

Wilson looked tired. He leaned back in his chair and sighed. "House ... she's gonna tell sooner or later. But she needs time. Give her time."

There was a silent moment between them. Wilson could see in his eyes that House actually did care. But he had gained Cameron's trust and he could not risk that trust now. He couldn't take seeing the pain in his friends eye, so he started getting the sheets on his desk in order.

House looked at him for another long, silent moment. Then he left.

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End file.
